A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?'

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'

Her mother said, 'Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

Men Are Hard To Please

The problems with GUYS:

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET , he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do !! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If

 A Person dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
 
 different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks,
 
 "What do they do here?"
 
 He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour then
 
 they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil
 
 comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
 
 The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He
 
 checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
 
 He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
 
 hell.
  
 Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long
 
 Line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
 
 He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
 
 they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian
 
 devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
 
 But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
 
 many people waiting to get in?"
 
 "Because the Electricity Board is on strike and maintenance is so bad
 
 that the electric chair does not work. A Minister has stolen all the
 
 nails from the bed for his shed, and the DEVIL is a  Govt.
 
 servant. He comes in signs the register and then goes to the canteen & moreover by paying him something U can also get an airconditioned accomodation.

A British lady is window shopping in Delhi. Suddenly she realizes she
is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees a
small shop on the roadside, goes to the shop and asks in very British accent
to
the sardar owner..

What's the time??

The sardar is a very patriotic man and hates foriegners and their
English accent while speaking ... replies back in the same accent...

Bra-panties!!

Confused the lady asks again. No! No! What's the time??

The sardar again answers back.. Bra-panties!! Bra-panties!!

Seeing the confusion going between the two, another sardar comes to
the rescue of the lady and says....

O papaji tusi samajh nahin paaye!! Kudi twade kol time puuch rahii
hai gayee!!

The angry sardar shouts back at him .. Tow main bhi to oonoo time hee
das rahan hai barah panthis (12:35)

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love Marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems.......Gimme a break!!" 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick
one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,  "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,  "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won`t believe this but I`m standing in front of Giovannis and there`s a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They`re giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it`s absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won`t believe it but he said he`d let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you`re the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I`m not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown`s place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It`s on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it`s on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it`s not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It`s a steal!"
"I guess we`ve got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can`t wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks others present there, "So, who`s phone is this?"

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin
of their dead mother arrived from the US.

It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the
coffin, with no space left in it . When they opened
the lid , they found a letter on top................
which read as follows ::

Dear brothers and sisters,

I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was
her wish that she should be cremated in the compound
of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not
come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12
cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 8 packets
of Badam.

Please divide the same among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok
shoes(size 10) for Mohan.

There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Kala's and
Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is
wearing 6 American T-Shirts.The large size is for
Mohan.

Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left
wrist.

Shanta Aunty, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and
ring that you asked for.

Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be
divided among my teenager nephews.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything
more is required let me know as Bapa is also not
feeling too well nowadays...

Your loving sister,
Radhika

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community. So the Pope made a

deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave. The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Harbinder Singh to represent them.

Harbinder asked for one additional condition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came.

Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Harbinder pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to

remind me that there was still One God common to both our religions.

Then, I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

Then, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Harbinder,

"First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Harbinder, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!